Melinda Morley

Ever since my high school years when I watched the movie Fried Green Tomatoes, I have wondered about fried green tomatoes. Not constantly, I’m not that OCD. But I liked the movie and I liked the part where the dark-hair girl is trying to teach the blonde one to cook and she tastes her fried green tomatoes. She begins to laugh a little and tells her that they were awful. They then got in a delightful food fight.  I wondered, what could be so hard about frying green tomatoes? Did people really eat them?

Well, tonight I was fixing dinner. I made beef enchiladas. Right in front of me were four fat zucchini big as babies balking at me. They  demanded my attention. I can’t bear to see food go to waste. I was feeling a little Martha Stewarty, better yet, Aunt Jemimahy. I decided to try something new.  I mercilessly sliced one and dipped it in egg and then in Italian bread crumbs and fried it golden brown. It was a sight to behold. Tasty too. And I only burned a few. Then I thought of that movie. I remembered that I had lots of green tomatoes in my garden. (I only planted twelve tomato plants.)

It was time. After 15 some odd years of wondering. I sent Po to fetch me a nice green tomato. I sliced it reverently, dipped it carefully in egg and then breadcrumbs and put it in the hot oil.  They looked beautiful. I ceremoniously placed one on my pretty red plate and anxiously took a bite. At first it was heavenly. Hot tomato and crunchy exterior. After I chewed it for a total of three times, the taste changed. There is only one word to describe it: vomit.

I told my husband, “These are awful!” I laughed to myself, thought about a food fight, but enchiladas are not as cute as flour and cake batter and threw those fried green tomatoes away.

And now I know. I feel much better and yet…

What went wrong? How does one really make edible fried green tomatoes? The world may never know…